


and nobody understands

by reciprobursts



Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: Coming Out, Family Fluff, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Sibling Bonding, a lesson in fucked up institution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22800604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reciprobursts/pseuds/reciprobursts
Summary: After a hurtful exchange, Erlin and Egwene talk.(or: being a teen is hard but being a repressed gay teen sucks ass sometimes)
Relationships: Egwene Kindleaf & Erlin Kindleaf
Comments: 2
Kudos: 53





	and nobody understands

**Author's Note:**

> hello i have FEELINGS for egwene kindleaf
> 
> there are many people more articulate than i am that have delved into the kindleafs' dynamic and trauma and their self-realization but i'll just leave this here

The door to Erlin's quarters bursts open with a bang.

"Hey!" He exclaims, immediately holding his hand out to cast a spell, fearing the worst. Have they been ambushed? Is someone here to warn him about approaching enemies? Did he miss supper again? After a second of panic, he visibly calms down when he realizes it's just his older sister.

Egwene stands at the door in her full armour, silently, like she's unsure of what do next after basically breaking in. Erlin can't really decipher her expression because of her fanged helm and he turns away, suddenly remembering that they're sorta fighting and he has a bit of a petty streak that he's not very proud of. He takes a breath, and musters up his best indifferent voice.

"If you're gonna talk to me, at least do it as Egwene, not the Lady Snake."

He hears her sigh sharply, and there's the brush of her curly hair against her helmet as she takes it off, tucked under her left side. Erlin glances at her again. She looks tired, but even more so that usual. Her mouth is pressed shut tightly, and she pinches the bridge of her nose, exasperated. Even in the warm light of dusk, her pallor is sickly, and Erlin notices her right hand is poorly bandaged up. He connects the pieces in his head and frowns, walking towards her and reaching for her injured hand. She doesn't pull away.

Tugging her gently into the room, he closes the cabin door and inspects the wound. Once it's uncovered, both of the siblings grimace. It's a fresh gash on her palm that looks painful, and the skin around it is inflamed and bubbled. Poisoned. Erlin knows that she and Ol' Cobb have been working on specialized artillery that included the dangerous substances and venoms they've collected on their adventure. She probably had a run-in with her own infused arrowhead and didn't tell anyone she was hurting and tried to patch it up with her weakened and non-dominant hand. Typical. He casts a Lesser Restoration to remove the poison and heals her a little for good measure.

"Thanks," She mutters, drawing her hand back. "But that's not what I came here for."

"So you were just going to walk around with that injury?" Erlin asks, incredulous.

"It would've healed eventually."

"Not how poison works!" He says. She winces at his raised tone and he shrinks at her reaction. Egwene's face is stony again, trying to act flippant.

There's a very tense silence and Erlin fidgets, nervously pulling at his fingers. He knows that they both have a lot of restraint when it comes to being open, but he holds himself a lot higher than his sister with actually acknowledging his... _stuff_ and dealing with it. He's not sure Egwene has even _felt_ an emotion since she graduated from the Green Teens. (That's not true. Late nights in each other's rooms with portraits of their parents glowering down at them and Nana's snores breaking the silence say otherwise.)

They could both just stand there for an eternity and the apocalypse would come before Egwene said anything. Erlin eventually goes to clear off his bed, shoving books and scrolls and carefully moving a graphic scroll to the side before sitting down and patting the space beside him. His older sister places her helmet down on the bedside table and stops to think for a moment before shedding her armor. It's fast and experienced, and the platemail barely makes a sound as it touches the ground. Erlin supposes there's drills and practice for that during Green Knight skill training, but all he's going to remember from his time as a Green Teen is cooking and basket weaving. Graduation sounds awful.

Egwene sits down stiffly, but more at ease than she was earlier. She's doing the same nervous tic as Erlin, gripping her fingers one by one and tugging. Her outburst the other day hangs heavy in the air between them, making Egwene's shoulders slouch under the weight. It stemmed from a light ribbing from Erlin, when Red was recalling some romantic endeavours before he and Gunther were official. A joke about how Egwene would be someone to violently hit on someone, which was countered by an angry accusation of how Erlin's only kissed one person in his life and they ended up cheating anyways so what does _he_ know about romance. It left the crew stunned and Erlin's eyes watery, and Ol' Cobb gently took her by the elbow and lead her to the lower deck to calm down.

The time that's passed has been more keeping herself busy and less reflecting than she should have done, but this conversation was going to be had sooner or later.

It's still quiet, but after a minute she takes a breath like she's about to say something, and Erlin gives her his full attention.

"I'm sorry for lashing out at you." She says, not looking up. "I could make up excuses about how I have a lot on my mind and stuff but I shouldn't have taken it out on you. You were just goofing off. Sorry."

"They aren't excuses, they're reasons." Erlin replies quietly. "Maybe I was a little hurt by your words but I should've been more sensitive with mine too. Everyone has bad days."

"Bad days are the only ones I have now, apparently," Egwene chuckles dryly, unsure where this sudden vulnerability came from.

Erlin's face falls and he takes her recently healed hand in his. "Gwene..."

She breaks a little, her frame trembling. 

"Fuck," She curses, fingers curling around his. "This sucks. How do you do it."

It's less of a question and more of a statement. She sounds almost envious, and of what? Erlin's ability to feel?

"What's up?" He asks softly.

She grunts.

"You know I'm not above casting Zone of Truth around us."

"I know."

Erlin hesitates. "Would it make it easier?"

Egwene doesn't say anything, but taps her fingertips once on his hand. Their sign for _yes_ when they can't always get the words out. A language of their own that was developed all those years ago, when speaking was too hard and it felt like they were the only people in the world. He nods and waves his free hand, a bristling, almost cold aura surrounding them. It doesn't take a form, he hasn't really been able to conjure one since, well. Erlin watches his sister shudder a little as she becomes aware of the spell.

Egwene lets herself fail the saving throw. "I met a dwarven girl at a tavern a week ago. We were the same age and she...flirted with me."

At that, Erlin's eyebrows raise as Egwene's grip grows tighter.

"She was so fucking _nice_ to me and really cute and-" She stops, her jaw growing tight. "We kissed. But I couldn't get the feeling off that I was doing something blasphemous or some shit and I bolted."

"You weren't doing anything wrong," Erlin says immediately.

Squeezing his hand twice, Egwene turns to him, and her lips quirk up the slightest bit at his completely earnest expression. "According to you. I've been grappling with this fucking nonsense that's been drilled into my very core ever since I gratuated."

He shifts uncomfortably at what she's implying. "The Green Knights, they don't...?"

She shakes her head. "Barely even acknowledge it, but I know that they think it's unholy even if Pelor had nothing to say on it. Bastards, the lot of 'em."

Erlin slumps a little, his hold faltering. Now she's the one who's holding his hand, still so quick to switch from being comforted to the one doing the comforting. 

It's...unpleasant to think that the community he was supposed to grow up in and ally with wouldn't accept him fully. If he said something that wasn't in their favour, would they scorn him? If he and Beverly held hands during a coronation, would they be regarded with narrowed eyes and harsh whispers? Erlin's stomach churns. He knows himself well enough to feel less bothered than he would have been if this information was told to him earlier, but for Egwene? To have been told how live and fight and then feeling an immense amount of guilt just because she thought of liking someone? Feeling like a criminal for being a kid? Erlin can't help the wobble of his lip when he looks at his sister.

As he fights back tears, Egwene moves closer and reaches to tilt his head so that it rests on her shoulder. She draws a question mark over his hand with her thumb. _Are you okay?_

"Yeah," He responds out loud, voice shaky. "This just...sucks."

"Preaching to the choir, dude." Egwene says, huffing out an empty laugh.

There's another lull in their conversation, but it's bearable. Erlin uses the time to even out his racing pulse by f ocusing on the random patterns Egwene is tracing over the back of his hand. He still feels like he's about to throw up, but he manages to ask another question anyways.

"Do you uh, actually like girls?" 

"Working on that one, Lin." She deadpans, then pauses. "But probably."

"...Do you think that what me and Bev have- _had_ -" He exhales in mild frustration, "is wrong?"

She sighs again. "I don't. You two were pining for years, it was more of a relief than anything."

Erlin blinks. "You knew about my crush?"

"You had a picture of him that you would kiss goodnight. Try to hide _something_ for once in your life." She leaves out the part that she knows that Beverly had the same.

_"Egwene!"_ He shouts, horribly embarrassed.

His voice cracks and Egwene snorts, flicking him lightly on the forehead. "It's cute. You two are gonna last, I know it."

Erlin lets go momentarily to link arms with his sister, feeling like a little kid again. He takes her hand and squeezes it twice. _Thank you._ She squeezes once. _You're welcome._

He knows that she could have shut him down at any point during their talk and he's extremely grateful for her openness. It's probably nerve wracking despite the cold exterior she puts up and it just makes him put her up on yet another pedestal. 

"And what about people like _me and him_ , are you okay with them?" 

"...I guess it's just more of a problem with myself." Egwene says, a tiredness in her tone that sounds like she's struggled with this fact for a long time. "With others, it's fine, it's cool. But the moment I think that another girl is pretty I feel like I have to fucking _prostrate_ myself or go to one of those confessional booths."

Before Erlin can say anything, she speaks some more. "It's all bad but I guess I'm coming to terms with it. I'm still sorry, by the way."

He shakes his head as best as he can without falling off her shoulder. "It's okay."

Egwene ruffles his hair fondly, tucking some of it behind his ear to look into both his eyes. "You're a good dude, Lin. Don't know where I'd be without you."

That strikes a chord in Erlin's heart and he could return that same sentiment a hundred times over but instead he doesn't hesitate to throw his arms around his sister in a big hug. She reciprocates right away.

They stay like that until sunset is replaced by moonlight, holding on to each other like it's the only thing they've got.

In some ways, it is.

**Author's Note:**

> the kindleafs just kept having gay kids, huh


End file.
